Forgiveness
Preached 3/29/2020 at SouthWest UU in N. Royalton OH
By Rev. Meg Mathieson
If Desmond Tutu can forgive, certainly I can. He even gives us 4 easy steps which he calls the Fourfold Path to Forgiveness.
First, Telling the Story. This is about acknowledging the pain by getting our story straight. Looking at the facts, refusing to let facts be obscured by our feelings. For example, a certain federal leader hurts me by putting finances above the well-being of the people. How? Examples 1, 2, and 3. I’m telling the story of my anger, using facts.
The second step of the fourfold path of forgiveness is Naming the Hurt. This is about beginning to identify with the feelings that are within the facts. I am so angry at how helpless and afraid I feel. I am now naming what part of me is hurt by the facts that I named in step one.
The third step is Granting Forgiveness. This one kind of makes me laugh because it’s just too big to be a step. Have you ever seen the meme How to Draw an Owl?
Just do it! Just forgive!
Actually, Bishop Tutu doesn’t claim that forgiveness is easy to do. He admits that it can take a very, very long time to feel ready to forgive. He also says that we know we have forgiven when we are able to tell a new story, where we ourselves go from victim to hero. So instead of, our president is hurting us, hurting me, I can tell a different story that is no less true. A story where I center myself. I give myself the power to be at the center of my narrative, rather than giving that power over to the person who hurt me. My new story can be “I refuse to support someone whose priorities are so inhumane.” Perhaps I am still hurting, but that is no longer the point of the story. Now the story is about my strength and resolve in the face of the pain.
Bishop Tutu’s final step on the Path to Forgiveness is Choosing to Renew or Release the Relationship. Because - this is such an important part of forgiveness: Forgiving is for YOU, it’s for YOUR mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. So YOU get to decide whether the relationship will continue, at least from your end.
You cannot control this other person, but you can control whether you continue your end of the relationship. Additionally, there is a third choice: giving yourself time. I’m not sure what releasing a relationship with the president would look like, but I fear it might mean disengaging with the entire political system. I don’t want to do that. But I don’t want to keep putting myself in a place of habitual pain. I’m not quite ready to fully forgive, I suppose. I’m not finished with my fourfold path when it comes to that guy, and I imagine that I’m not alone in that. Which is why many of us kind of want him to suffer. Just a little. Maybe. No, not really.
Maybe.
I would like end this sermon by leading us through a self-compassion exercise around forgiveness. This is intended to help you to access your own forgiveness towards yourself. Once you have opened the door to forgiving youself, you will be more able to forgive others.
(read page 157-159 Self-Compassion Workbook)
Preached 3/29/2020 at SouthWest UU in N. Royalton OH
By Rev. Meg Mathieson
If Desmond Tutu can forgive, certainly I can. He even gives us 4 easy steps which he calls the Fourfold Path to Forgiveness.
First, Telling the Story. This is about acknowledging the pain by getting our story straight. Looking at the facts, refusing to let facts be obscured by our feelings. For example, a certain federal leader hurts me by putting finances above the well-being of the people. How? Examples 1, 2, and 3. I’m telling the story of my anger, using facts.
The second step of the fourfold path of forgiveness is Naming the Hurt. This is about beginning to identify with the feelings that are within the facts. I am so angry at how helpless and afraid I feel. I am now naming what part of me is hurt by the facts that I named in step one.
The third step is Granting Forgiveness. This one kind of makes me laugh because it’s just too big to be a step. Have you ever seen the meme How to Draw an Owl?
Just do it! Just forgive!
Actually, Bishop Tutu doesn’t claim that forgiveness is easy to do. He admits that it can take a very, very long time to feel ready to forgive. He also says that we know we have forgiven when we are able to tell a new story, where we ourselves go from victim to hero. So instead of, our president is hurting us, hurting me, I can tell a different story that is no less true. A story where I center myself. I give myself the power to be at the center of my narrative, rather than giving that power over to the person who hurt me. My new story can be “I refuse to support someone whose priorities are so inhumane.” Perhaps I am still hurting, but that is no longer the point of the story. Now the story is about my strength and resolve in the face of the pain.
Bishop Tutu’s final step on the Path to Forgiveness is Choosing to Renew or Release the Relationship. Because - this is such an important part of forgiveness: Forgiving is for YOU, it’s for YOUR mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. So YOU get to decide whether the relationship will continue, at least from your end.
You cannot control this other person, but you can control whether you continue your end of the relationship. Additionally, there is a third choice: giving yourself time. I’m not sure what releasing a relationship with the president would look like, but I fear it might mean disengaging with the entire political system. I don’t want to do that. But I don’t want to keep putting myself in a place of habitual pain. I’m not quite ready to fully forgive, I suppose. I’m not finished with my fourfold path when it comes to that guy, and I imagine that I’m not alone in that. Which is why many of us kind of want him to suffer. Just a little. Maybe. No, not really.
Maybe.
I would like end this sermon by leading us through a self-compassion exercise around forgiveness. This is intended to help you to access your own forgiveness towards yourself. Once you have opened the door to forgiving youself, you will be more able to forgive others.
(read page 157-159 Self-Compassion Workbook)