Self-Compassion
Preached 12/29/2019 at SouthWest UU in N. Royalton OH
By Rev. Meg Mathieson
Thank you for being here with me today in what always feels like a strange time - this liminal space between Christmas and New Year. This no-mans-land where time seems to stand still. We are exhausted, physically, emotionally, and if we are honest with ourselves, many of us are stuffed, bloated, and just wanting to nap until the new year begins.
Along with terms like mindfulness and self-care, another new buzzword of holistic health has sprung up: self-compassion. We talk a lot here about compassion, but what would it look like to mindfully, prayerfully practice self-compassion?
One of the fears that we have, in this bootstraps American culture, is to fall into laziness. And the term self-compassion might trigger some of those fears. But Dr. Kristen Neff, who coined and has popularized the term self-compassion, explains emphatically that self-compassion is NOT self-pity or self-indulgence. Self-compassion means choosing three things:
1. Choosing self-kindness over self-judging
Imagine such a thing!
Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.
2. Choosing common humanity over isolation
Self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.
3. Choosing mindfulness over over-identification
Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.
Let’s try a self-compassion exercise. One easy way to care for and comfort yourself when you’re feeling poorly is to give yourself what is called supportive touch. Touch activates the care system and the parasympathetic nervous system to help us calm down and feel safe. It may feel awkward at first, but your body doesn’t know that. It just responds to the physical gesture of warmth and care, just as a baby responds to being cuddled in its mother’s arms. Our skin is a sensitive organ. Research indicates that physical touch releases oxytocin which provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions, and calms cardiovascular stress.
The most common form of supportive touch is Hand-on-Heart, but Some people feel uneasy putting a hand over the heart. Feel free to explore where on your body a gentle touch is actually soothing. Some other possibilities are:
Physical comfort is so important. Studies have shown how humans need touch, like we need air and water. People suffer from being touch-starved. Touch-starved babies fail to thrive. We have the ability to give the gift of comforting touch to ourselves.
Another important physical component to self-compassion is movement. In the last 10 years, study after study has confirmed that physical practices such as yoga, and tai chi effectively increase people’s capacity for self-compassion. Have you ever practiced Tai Chi? It’s this wonderful fluid movement. Show of hands: who has practiced Tai Chi?
Well, we are going to practice a little of it now. But first, I’d like to tell you an ancient story about the development of Tai Chi.
There was a young man who grew up in China. Everyone said that he was so calm and peaceful, he should become a monk. Not wanting to displease his family and friends by telling the truth, the young man let them think he was indeed peaceful and calm. Inside, however, the young man was filled with feelings of doubt, joy, love, happiness, sadness—and many questions. Because he wanted others' approval, he kept his feelings and questions to himself. He went on looking calm and peaceful to everyone.
When he was old enough, he entered the monastery, because everyone said he looked so peaceful and calm. They did not know of his secret inner life. Everyone was pleased because they felt he would be a great monk.
For years, he practiced sitting calmly and peacefully, and his masters were pleased.
Little did they know that behind that calm exterior bubbled energy, exuberance and still more questions. The young man kept all these things to himself.
After years at the monastery, the young man was to be tested for his deep, inner religious peace. He was to go to a mountain top to meditate daily for many months, and on a final day the master would observe his meditation.
He went to the mountains for many days. He sat and sat and sat. He looked very calm and peaceful on the outside, but on the inside, his mind was filled with the crane's flight, fire and shadows, and the earth's elements, as well as questions of beginnings and endings. He did not tell anyone of the scenes and questions that filled his mind.
One day, he was at the top of the mountain sitting peacefully, pretending to be calm, meditating and preparing for the day of his exam (which was only two weeks away), when a fly landed right on the end of his nose. He tried wiggling his nose to get the fly off. This did not work. He wiggled his nose again. What a stubborn fly! Next, he waved his hand and the fly danced.
As he waved his hand, he discovered how joyful it felt to move. The fly then landed on his nose again. The young man waved his other hand. This, too, felt wonderful.
The fly began to turn circles and move with the wind and earth. The young monk leaped and laughed, dancing with the fly. As the days passed, the young man looked forward to his dancing and moving with the fly. He lost all track of time—hours, days, or minutes. He knew only the joy of moving in harmony with the elements, earth, water, fire, wood, wind, and metal.
The young man went to the top of the mountain on the day of his exam, but he had forgotten that this was a most important day. He saw the fly and they began their dance together, earth, water, fire, wood, wind, metal. They moved with focused energy and great joy. Neither the fly nor the young man noticed the Master of Masters seated, watching their movements.
After a while, the Master of Masters approached. The young man grew silent, embarrassed and fearful. He was supposed to be calm and meditative. He looked down in shame. He had failed his training.
The Master of Masters then said, "Young man, you must teach me this movement. You use the energy of the life force to mirror the earth, fire, wind, sky, birds, and water. This focused energy complements our study of inner peace. Since all is in balance, we need stillness and energy; we need peace and activity; we need meditation and movement.
"Teach me. Then you will teach all the monks this new miracle of focused energy."
So from one young man whose creativity spilled over to dance with a fly came a meditation of movement called "T'ai Chi."
The term taiji is a Chinese cosmological concept for the flux of yin and yang. It is about balance in the spiritual realm but also very much about balance in the physical realm. Tai Chi promotes health. Let’s try a few as we are able.
As you are comfortable, let’s begin with the Turning Head Stretch. This basic standing pose will stretch your neck and relieve tension.
Start by standing tall, or sitting with a tall, straight back in your chair.
Inhale and slowly move your hands toward your chest.
Turn your left hand so that your fingers are facing up and your palm is facing you.
Move your right hand toward your hip with your hand facing the ground.
Look toward your left hand.
Follow your left hand with your eyes by moving your head as it moves to your left side.
Repeat on the other side.
Next, let’s try the Forward Stretch. This pose involves bending forward to stretch out your spine.
Preached 12/29/2019 at SouthWest UU in N. Royalton OH
By Rev. Meg Mathieson
Thank you for being here with me today in what always feels like a strange time - this liminal space between Christmas and New Year. This no-mans-land where time seems to stand still. We are exhausted, physically, emotionally, and if we are honest with ourselves, many of us are stuffed, bloated, and just wanting to nap until the new year begins.
Along with terms like mindfulness and self-care, another new buzzword of holistic health has sprung up: self-compassion. We talk a lot here about compassion, but what would it look like to mindfully, prayerfully practice self-compassion?
One of the fears that we have, in this bootstraps American culture, is to fall into laziness. And the term self-compassion might trigger some of those fears. But Dr. Kristen Neff, who coined and has popularized the term self-compassion, explains emphatically that self-compassion is NOT self-pity or self-indulgence. Self-compassion means choosing three things:
1. Choosing self-kindness over self-judging
Imagine such a thing!
Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.
2. Choosing common humanity over isolation
Self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.
3. Choosing mindfulness over over-identification
Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.
Let’s try a self-compassion exercise. One easy way to care for and comfort yourself when you’re feeling poorly is to give yourself what is called supportive touch. Touch activates the care system and the parasympathetic nervous system to help us calm down and feel safe. It may feel awkward at first, but your body doesn’t know that. It just responds to the physical gesture of warmth and care, just as a baby responds to being cuddled in its mother’s arms. Our skin is a sensitive organ. Research indicates that physical touch releases oxytocin which provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions, and calms cardiovascular stress.
The most common form of supportive touch is Hand-on-Heart, but Some people feel uneasy putting a hand over the heart. Feel free to explore where on your body a gentle touch is actually soothing. Some other possibilities are:
- One hand on your cheek
- Cradling your face in your hands
- Gently stroking your arms
- Crossing your arms and giving a gentle squeeze
- Gently rubbing your chest, or using circular movements
- Hand on your abdomen
- One hand on your abdomen and one over heart
- Cupping one hand in the other in your lap
- When you notice you’re under stress, take 2-3 deep, satisfying breaths.
- Gently place your hand over your heart or wherever it feels most comfortable to you. Feel the gentle pressure and warmth of your hand. If you wish, place both hands on your chest, noticing the difference between one and two hands.
- Move if it helps to move.
- Feel the natural rising and falling of your chest as you breathe in and as you breathe out.
- Linger with the feeling for as long as you like.
Physical comfort is so important. Studies have shown how humans need touch, like we need air and water. People suffer from being touch-starved. Touch-starved babies fail to thrive. We have the ability to give the gift of comforting touch to ourselves.
Another important physical component to self-compassion is movement. In the last 10 years, study after study has confirmed that physical practices such as yoga, and tai chi effectively increase people’s capacity for self-compassion. Have you ever practiced Tai Chi? It’s this wonderful fluid movement. Show of hands: who has practiced Tai Chi?
Well, we are going to practice a little of it now. But first, I’d like to tell you an ancient story about the development of Tai Chi.
There was a young man who grew up in China. Everyone said that he was so calm and peaceful, he should become a monk. Not wanting to displease his family and friends by telling the truth, the young man let them think he was indeed peaceful and calm. Inside, however, the young man was filled with feelings of doubt, joy, love, happiness, sadness—and many questions. Because he wanted others' approval, he kept his feelings and questions to himself. He went on looking calm and peaceful to everyone.
When he was old enough, he entered the monastery, because everyone said he looked so peaceful and calm. They did not know of his secret inner life. Everyone was pleased because they felt he would be a great monk.
For years, he practiced sitting calmly and peacefully, and his masters were pleased.
Little did they know that behind that calm exterior bubbled energy, exuberance and still more questions. The young man kept all these things to himself.
After years at the monastery, the young man was to be tested for his deep, inner religious peace. He was to go to a mountain top to meditate daily for many months, and on a final day the master would observe his meditation.
He went to the mountains for many days. He sat and sat and sat. He looked very calm and peaceful on the outside, but on the inside, his mind was filled with the crane's flight, fire and shadows, and the earth's elements, as well as questions of beginnings and endings. He did not tell anyone of the scenes and questions that filled his mind.
One day, he was at the top of the mountain sitting peacefully, pretending to be calm, meditating and preparing for the day of his exam (which was only two weeks away), when a fly landed right on the end of his nose. He tried wiggling his nose to get the fly off. This did not work. He wiggled his nose again. What a stubborn fly! Next, he waved his hand and the fly danced.
As he waved his hand, he discovered how joyful it felt to move. The fly then landed on his nose again. The young man waved his other hand. This, too, felt wonderful.
The fly began to turn circles and move with the wind and earth. The young monk leaped and laughed, dancing with the fly. As the days passed, the young man looked forward to his dancing and moving with the fly. He lost all track of time—hours, days, or minutes. He knew only the joy of moving in harmony with the elements, earth, water, fire, wood, wind, and metal.
The young man went to the top of the mountain on the day of his exam, but he had forgotten that this was a most important day. He saw the fly and they began their dance together, earth, water, fire, wood, wind, metal. They moved with focused energy and great joy. Neither the fly nor the young man noticed the Master of Masters seated, watching their movements.
After a while, the Master of Masters approached. The young man grew silent, embarrassed and fearful. He was supposed to be calm and meditative. He looked down in shame. He had failed his training.
The Master of Masters then said, "Young man, you must teach me this movement. You use the energy of the life force to mirror the earth, fire, wind, sky, birds, and water. This focused energy complements our study of inner peace. Since all is in balance, we need stillness and energy; we need peace and activity; we need meditation and movement.
"Teach me. Then you will teach all the monks this new miracle of focused energy."
So from one young man whose creativity spilled over to dance with a fly came a meditation of movement called "T'ai Chi."
The term taiji is a Chinese cosmological concept for the flux of yin and yang. It is about balance in the spiritual realm but also very much about balance in the physical realm. Tai Chi promotes health. Let’s try a few as we are able.
As you are comfortable, let’s begin with the Turning Head Stretch. This basic standing pose will stretch your neck and relieve tension.
Start by standing tall, or sitting with a tall, straight back in your chair.
Inhale and slowly move your hands toward your chest.
Turn your left hand so that your fingers are facing up and your palm is facing you.
Move your right hand toward your hip with your hand facing the ground.
Look toward your left hand.
Follow your left hand with your eyes by moving your head as it moves to your left side.
Repeat on the other side.
Next, let’s try the Forward Stretch. This pose involves bending forward to stretch out your spine.
- Stand tall with your feet slightly apart and your arms outstretched at shoulder height.
- Bend your knees and bring your left heel forward.
- Tilt your left foot so that only the heel is touching the ground.
- Push your hands back for balance.
- Step back with your left foot so that only your toe touches the ground and stretch your arms straight again.
- Put your palms together in front of you.
- Bring your right arm up like you’re pushing up against the sky with your palm.
- Lower your left hand toward the ground with your palm facing the floor.
- You should feel a stretch along your spine.